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Read the actual story about Mel Gibson losing his mind (again) at Radar Online:

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Performed by Greg Benson & Kim Evey. Special thanks to Cathy McBride & Shannon Lyons.

If you don’t realize this is a parody, you are a f**king moron.

Here’s the script for your reading pleasure.

MEL: Oksana! Oksana! Oksana!


MEL: Get over here!

OKSANA: What is it? Mel! Have you been drinking!?

MEL: Yes! I’ve been drinking! I’ve been drinking in your LOVE!

OKSANA: I don’t know what you’re talking about!!

MEL: You’re an EMBARRASSMENT! Of riches! You have so much to offer the world, it’s EMBARRASSING!!!

OKSANA: Mel be careful!!

MEL: Ahh, it’s just a bag of diamonds I bought you! BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO FREAKIN’ MUCH!!!

OKSANA: But I haven’t done anything to deserve this!

MEL: Sure you have! Look at you! You look like a freaking princess in the heat, glistening in the warm rays of the sun! And if you get… ra– crowned by a pack of… royalty, it will be all your fault!!

OKSANA: Oh Mel, please stop being so good to me!!

MEL: You know what you are!?


MEL: A WONDERFUL PERSON!!! I’m gonna burn the freaking house down, so I can build you a shiny new palace fit for a QUEEN!!! But FIRST, I’m gonna give you a pedicure.

OKSANA: Oh no, please don’t Mel! My body can’t take much more pampering!!!

MEL: Well then you’re gonna have to file a restraining order, because I can’t restrain my love for you!!! You’re a BLESSING!!!

OKSANA: I didn’t do anything!

MEL: You did so! You were born and that made the world a better place! Look what you are… look what every part of you is… absolutely beautiful! You are the most authentic person… HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY!

OKSANA: Oh! Please, Mel! Be careful of the diamonds!

MEL: I’ll buy you more! I’ll fill the house with ’em! Bet Timothy Dalton never did that, huh? Huh, Did he!? No, he was too busy being the best james bond of all time!

OKSANA: (breaking down) Oh, Mel, you’re the greatest person in the world!

MEL: Ahhhhhh, shucks! So are you, sugar tits.

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